Serial Killings

The entertainment world is reeling in shock and horror again this morning as late last night KooKoo Bird the beloved spokes-person for CoCo Puffs cereal was found brutally murdered in his Bel Aire estate. KooKoo is apparently the latest victim in a series of shocking murders which have sent many breakfast food spokes-stars into hiding and have their sponsors demanding stepped-up security from law enforcement authorities.

The killings began late last month when police discovered the naked and horrifically mutilated bodies of Quisp and Quake in a wooded area off the Santa Monica freeway. Seven days later Trixie (the Trix rabbit) was found dead from severe dehydration in a the sauna of a Bally's on Rodeo Drive with a message from the killer scrawled upon the emaciated chest reading simply "THE BEAR IS NEXT." Sugar Bear immediately went into hiding at an undisclosed location but stated, through his representative:

"Obviously, I am very upset, very frightened; not only for myself but for all my fellow spokes-stars whom I love and respect. However, I faith in our elected officials and law enforcement professionals and I know that they will bring this twisted maniac to swift and certain justice. Meanwhile let's all just try'n stay cool."

Police as yet have no clues as to the identity of the killer, but are, in the words of Police Commissioner Gordon (whose daughter, Barbra, was conspicuously absent from his side at this morning's press conference):

"...actively pursuing all leads, even those called in by obvious crackpots. Moreover, my good friend Bruce Wayne phoned just moments ago to assure me yet again that all of his considerable resources were at the command of my office. I am certain that we will apprehend this psychopath before he strikes again."

Others, however, do not share the Commissioner's optimistic point of view. Officials from France have confirmed rumors that Tony the Tiger has formally requested asylum and representatives for Lucky (the Lucky Charms Leprechaun) have released photos which show that Lucky's multi-million dollar Brentwood mansion is now being guarded by armed members of the Gambino crime family.

President Bush, as usual, had no intelligible comment.