Science Fiction

The following is a wholly fictitious retelling of something that certainly did not happened.

Way back, in a time before ipods and even (gasp!) cellular phones, when I was in college, I conducted an in depth, but highly unscientific survey. I selected a representative sample of the population of my campus (okay, okay that's bullshit... I selected my drunken, burnout, friends; several louts I encountered at parties; those few brave and pitying girls who lacked the good sense and fortitude to not "hook-up" with me; and a couple of my professors (when I could catch them sober) - but remember I went to Southern Illinois University (DON'T BE A PUP: Suck It Up!!!) so this was a representative sample - and asked them: "When you emerge from the shower or bath, which part of your body do you dry off first?"

That may sound like an overly salicious question with definite undercurrents of voyeuristic interest (I didn't think of that; it's what my Abnormal Psychology professor told me when I asked her the question - Geesh!!! ya think she'd get it!!!), but I assure you I, being the rigorous and ethical kind of researcher I am, had a definitive hypothesis in mind.

You see there had to be a time before peoplekind harnessed its root visciousness (because, at our core, at our essence, we are simply mindless killing machines - we did not get to the top of the food chain by out-thinking anything; we got there from our sheer and unadulterated willingness to slaughter anything or anyone that got in our way) with a sense of rationality when peoplekind were not the dominant predators on the planet, but rather one of a multitude of terrified and rather tasty prey.

Hence, I had begun to think that we deveolped a habit to remain on our wares lest a ravenous saber tooth tiger or, worse yet, a roaming evangelical creep up on us unawares while we were, say, emerging from a bath in the local streamlet, and end our existence as we knew it. Moreover, because our most important sensory equipment is located pretty much in one zone - the head (think about it: taste; hearing; smell; sight - 4 out of 5 all in our little noggins), I had begun to think that we had developed an instinct to, well, for lack of a more pithy and appropriate epithat, keep our heads clear.

My survey results pretty much confirmed this hypothesis as nearly everyone who responded, with the exception of my smart-assed roommate Chris, who insists to this day "left big toe;" - never trust an engineer, said the first part of their body they dried off was their head (a lot of people - especially the chicks - said face which, I pedantically remind you, is part of the head). I was so very pleased with myself that I petioned the biology department for an honorary degree - for which, you can well imagine, I was thoroughly lionized.

With the glow of this success still fresh upon my brow, I began to explore the philosophical ramifications of my theory (okay, okay... that's bullshit, I thought this up while setting up the patio at Tuman's last Sunday). If my theory is correct, as I beliecve it is, then it must also hold that the first sentient thought peoplekind expressed after crawling from the primordial ooze was not some existential "Why am I here?" or "What is my purpose?" or even "Does god exist?" sort of bullshit inquiry but, rather, simply: "Anybody gotta towel?"

WSE